Happy Halloween from Joseph King University

Joseph King University is hosting several haunting halloween events this weekend for all students, guests, and faculty. Join us for:

 - A horrible halloween costume contest

 - Bobbing for apples

 - Terrible trick-or-treating

 - Haunted hayrides through the campus cemetery

 - Spiked cider and donuts

 Events are being held throughout campus. Join us! Be safe and have fun!

JKU Hosts Presidential Debate for Write-In Candidates

Joseph King University proudly hosted leading write-in Presidential Candidates for a debate early Wednesday evening, just as Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump made last minute preparations, and took drug tests, for their final presidential debate. The write-in candidate debate was moderated by JMU alum and political scientist Richard (Dick) Tator and took place before a small but energetic audience in the JKU auditorium.

The participating write-in candidates for President of the United State were Mickey Mouse of Anaheim, California; Donald Duck of Orlando, Florida; Deez Nutz of Nonna Yo Business; and Yo Momma of Chicago, Illinois. Kiefer Sutherland was also scheduled to participate, but it was discovered at the last minute that he is a British...

Welcome back to a trigger-free JKU campus

Dear JKU Students,

Welcome to campus as we begin the 2016-17 academic year. Whether you are an incoming freshman or one of our many returning 7th year seniors, we are glad to have you on campus, and sincerely appreciate your pre-payment of tuition.

The beginning of a new year on campus is an exciting time. It’s a time when I can proudly say that all of my students are succeeding academically and all of our athletic programs are undefeated. All of your dreams remain in front of you. You are in a caring and appeasing environment that is designed to let you dream big while achieving little. It is your time to set forth on a journey of delusion and conviction. The world is yours and the faculty and staff at JKU is here to protect you from the...

New Restroom Policy Addresses Gender Identity Concerns

May 13 , 2016 - The JKU Board of Regents has adopted a new policy to address the needs of individuals of all gender identities and expressions across campus. Under this policy the university will eliminate gender specific bathrooms on campus. All bathrooms will instead be marked for use based on biological function, as all members of the JKU community, including GLTBQ students and faculty, share common biological explosion functions.

The new policy will be effective at the beginning of the upcoming semester. All bathrooms currently identified as “Mens” will become “Pissers.” All bathrooms currently identified as “Womens” will become “Shitters.” The policy leaves urinal usage open to all genders, though a provision added prior to approval...

JKU President Admits to Using Panama Papers

University president Dr. Hugh Moore, Jr. this morning released a statement disclosing that he has used the Panama Papers regularly in recent years. This statement comes just after international news coverage disclosed the existence of the papers and their use by other notable leaders worldwide, including Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Moore, in his statement, said “When I learned that there was global concern about those using the Panama Paper, I immediately switched to a new brand. I will continue to roll the Panama Red bud when I can find it, but I will not longer use the Panama Papers. I’ll probably just go back to Zig Zag.” When asked if he had read the detailed new coverage of the Panama Papers Moore admitted that he had not, but...

Trump Suspends Campaign as Polls Show Significant Drop in Support

April 1, 2016 - Donald Trump is suspending his presidential campaign, the business mogul announced today during an unplanned appearance at Joseph King University.

The shocking announcement by the front-runner for the GOP nomination was precipitated by a significant decline in support, with recent polls showing Trump losing by wide margins in upcoming primaries and in a general election against Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders. As recently as early this week Trump was leading Ted Cruz nationally by 11 points, but polling on March 31st and early on April 1st showed even prior Trump supporters were now splitting their support between Cruz and John Kasich.

In his speech, Trump said “Look at these numbers. I mean, its not a deal that I would...