JKU Hosts Presidential Debate for Write-In Candidates
Joseph King University proudly hosted leading write-in Presidential Candidates for a debate early Wednesday evening, just as Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump made last minute preparations, and took drug tests, for their final presidential debate. The write-in candidate debate was moderated by JMU alum and political scientist Richard (Dick) Tator and took place before a small but energetic audience in the JKU auditorium.
The participating write-in candidates for President of the United State were Mickey Mouse of Anaheim, California; Donald Duck of Orlando, Florida; Deez Nutz of Nonna Yo Business; and Yo Momma of Chicago, Illinois. Kiefer Sutherland was also scheduled to participate, but it was discovered at the last minute that he is a British-born Canadian red-coated, tea-taxing, imposter of an American operative and designated survivor.
The candidates were asked to discuss and debate their positions on a range of topics, including national security and international terrorism, immigration, education policy, and the critically important issues of deleting emails and grabbing of female genitalia. There was no consensus winner at the conclusion of the 90 minute debate, though most in attendance felt that America would be the clear loser if either major party candidate is elected on November 8th.
Highlights of candidate positions taken during the debate included:
Donald Duck calling Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton Quacks for their shortcomings and failures to secure general voter approval. Duck went on to advocate for public baths in all major cities, a ban on assault rifles used in duck hunting, and free pizza Fridays.
Deez Nutz arguing that the current two-party system is broken and that illegal immigrants should be deported back to their country of origin, with exceptions for minors. More on Mr. Nutz’s campaign and positions can be found at www.elect-deez-nuts.com. Mr. Nutz would not confirm that Fo Shizzle was being considered as his running mate.
Mickey Mouse calling for the legalization of rodent marriage, equal protection for animated characters in the workplace, and taking the surprise stance that pussy grabbing should be accepted and encouraged. Mr. Mouse quickly backtracked on his position when it was explained that Mr. Trump was not referring to cats.
Yo Momma deftly avoided locking in to any policy positions by answering each question with a brief but articulate and humorous “Yo Momma” joke, including “Yo Mommas so fat she ate Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server.” Momma’s closing statement was “Yo Mommas so stupid she’s gonna vote for Trump or Clinton” perfectly captured the sentiment of most voters in attendance.