Trump Suspends Campaign as Polls Show Significant Drop in Support

April 1, 2016 - Donald Trump is suspending his presidential campaign, the business mogul announced today during an unplanned appearance at Joseph King University.

The shocking announcement by the front-runner for the GOP nomination was precipitated by a significant decline in support, with recent polls showing Trump losing by wide margins in upcoming primaries and in a general election against Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders. As recently as early this week Trump was leading Ted Cruz nationally by 11 points, but polling on March 31st and early on April 1st showed even prior Trump supporters were now splitting their support between Cruz and John Kasich.

In his speech, Trump said “Look at these numbers. I mean, its not a deal that I would do. These numbers aren’t a good deal. I’m pretty sure some Mexicans are in charge of these polls. If we had built a wall I’d still be leading.” He went on to add “really, America must not want to be great again. I’m going to sue everyone who pulled their support.” Trump did close with heartfelt thanks to his family and campaign staff, stating “I really appreciate all the work by the beautiful interns on my campaign. We probably over paid you, but you wore short skirts and represented the Trump brand well. And at least my wife and daughter are still hotter than Cruz’s wife or Hillary’s husband”

A random sampling of recently polled Americans, however, suggests a larger phenomena is at work. The vast majority of those previously supporting Trump said that they thought all along everyone was in on this as an April Fools day prank. Ben Dover of Sacramento, California told us that he and other local Trump supporters had all received an e-mail in December 2014 asking them to support Trump until April 1, 2016, as an elaborate April Fools day prank. The email, sent by BillOnSax@gmail.com, originated from a private e-mail server in Chappaqua, New York. Those participating were promised invitations to “wild parties at my place once the wife gets a new job and moves out.”

Noted JKU alum and politician Dick Tator was on hand for Trump’s announcement. Tator said that, “in hindsight, this really isn’t too surprising. What’s surprising is that anyone really thought the American people were dumb enough to actually make Trump president.” JKU President Hugh Moore, who was also on hand, added “stupid shit like Donald Trump possibly becoming president is what makes America great! Anything is possible in this country, especially with a degree from Joe King U!

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